Well you try to find some footing but all you get is air,
And you must've misplaced the blood and shrapnel in your hair,
While you watched a pillow fight between half the cast of MASH,
Can you be too old to die?

Watch Salinger and Dr.Seuss swim seas of bannanafish while you,
Wonder why on earth you still cough and puke and sneeze and shit,
Everyone wears sunglasses as safety protocol,
So you don't burn out your eyes.

And here I thought I'd answer for everything that I'd done wrong,
But I guess piles and piles of paperwork were too much work for God,
The most awkward family reunion in history,
Heaven must be a funny place to be.

Now you finally understand why your friends all lived in fear,
In the middle of badminton with Robin Thicke's career,
But it's hard to think a loving God would lock us in a place,
Where nothing ever really happens.

There's gay people everywhere, so Jesus isn't sure,
Why the paparazzi's spreading lies in a thousand page brochure,
The biggest scandal in history,
Heaven must be a funny place to be.

The main thing you learn in faith is what to give and what to take,
But first and last is pretty slack, sixty percent's still a pass.
God is working fulltime hours paying off her student loans,
God is still a student learning life out on her own,
God is Dana Carvey, God's a master of disguise,
God smiles when you fall in love but laughs hardest when you cry.

You'll see everyone that you love and everyone you hate,
But you just can't figure out why we'd ever procreate,
Cause if everyone everywhere is heading to the same nowhere,
Don't you think it's getting crowded?

I've always thought it's never good to save the best for last,
Waiting all year long for Santa Clause is quite the lonesome task,
Why'd you wanna spoil the mystery?
Heaven must be inside you and me